Disclaimer

All News Reports published before the date you read this were created by a single Afghani Male somewhere in the Middle East. He suffers from chronic brain disease and is also prone to bouts of extreme assholism. Please disregard any posts before this one as they are entirely false and not even amusing.

So this wife goes to the garage cause she hears her husband crying.

She's like "What is it honey?"

and he's like "remember that day when your dad caught us having sex?"

she's like "Yeah..?"

he says "your dad gave me two choices. 1. go to jail. 2. marry you."

"so what?"

"i would have gotten out today."

entertainment purposes only. i got a new kitten today.

COFFEE STORE

Searsport--People all over the world love waking up to a steaming hot cup of hot coffee. People in Searsport wake up to a steaming cup of hot shit. 'COFFEE STORE' long known for it's shoddy business methods and ugly owners, recently and randomly fired one of it's hardest working, and most attractive employees.

JOHN T. SMITH, the lardass, pedophile, homosexual, stinky, immature, gay, dishonest, and not well endowed owner of 'COFFEE STORE' wasn't available for interview as he was too busy seeing how many anal beads would fit in his cavernous ass.

Regular patron JOHN B. SMITH had this to say, "I think THE OWNER booted up a little bit too much crank into his scrotum that morning. THE OWNER called the fellow about an hour before he left to visit his dying grandmother in the hospital. I guess between the stream of obscenities he unleashed on the poor guy he fired him too."

The employee who has asked not to be identified for privacy reasons, said he has still not received his pay check for the entire month of August.

"It makes me sad. I worked hard for THE OWNER. I guess the downward spiral of S&M, anal-play, meth, heroin, coke, pills, and underage Indochinese hookers just cost him too much to keep paying me my meager salary of 43 cents and one half bite of those shitty egg sandwiches an hour."

Allegations that THE OWNER uses cute baby kittens to keep his furnace running are still underway. Also due to health reasons it is advised that people who are sensitive to typhus, HIV, the haunta virus, chlorine gas, and Mad Cow disease do not eat any food prepared by THE OWNER.

Upcoming Events

Searsport, July 4th--Looking to see the fireworks in a quaint and backwards small town? Willing to bear the resentment of every local in the area for being from away? Then come on down to Mosman (the only) Park in Searsport, shove a red-cased piece of hog flesh into that gullet of yours, and prepare for fifteen minutes of excitement as the local Fire Department explodes tax-payers money in the sky to fulfill some ancient pagan ritual! Bring your mean dog!

Searsport, July 5th--Community Volunteer day. Mosman Park. Help clean the charred remains of the innocent from park benches. Free BBQ food, with mayo.

Frankfort, July 12th--Judd's Baptist Church charity cakewalk to pay for the class action lawsuit against them for the wide-spread allegations of sexual abuse. Plenty of cake for all the little boys and girls!

Thorndike, July 21st--Classic Car Drive In at the Ocean Breeze Pizza and Subs. Celebrate out-dated technology, burning fossil fuel, and the worst rock music ("....TURN THE PAGE!!!"). Loads of fun!

Prescription Drug Epidemic Makes Health Care Affordable

Waldo County-With more and more prescription drug abuse in Waldo County than ever before, the competition between rival dealers has lowered prices of oxycontin, vicodin, and methadone to record low prices.

"It used to be six bucks a pop for vikes, but now thanks to all these generics flooding the black market prices are down to three! I haven't felt a thing for two months," purports local drug enthusiast Mike Flanery.

But how low can prices go before prescription drug runners have to move on to more lucrative buisness ventures?

"It's killing me," says small time dealer Carson Linkwood, "I was making a good honest wage selling percocet behind the elementary school until all these cheap pills flooded the market."

"Now every fifth grader with a scraped elbow is up his eyes in uppers, downers, and sidewaysers. I'm going to have to get out of the buisness."

But the pain-killer market isn't the only one that's taken a blow. Revenue is down across the board, ADHD medicine hit a record 75 cents per 25mg.

"It's great.. Great. Wow it's hot in here," says ADHD sufferer Jason Frankson, "I barely have to snatch one purse to get relief of my symptoms."

Doctors are taking the brunt of the damage. Psychologist visits by loser druggie teenagers has dropped 32% since April alone, and it's predicted to be down by 50% by June.

"Strung out teenagers were the ideal patient before the bubble broke," Says noted Waldo County Psychologist Keith Hutchinsky, "Now I'll never be able to afford that yacht!"

More on this developing story to come..

MOVIE REVIEW: Spider Man 3--A Spring Action Flick Sure To Help Block Out The Emptiness of Modern Existence

SPIDER MAN 3-TWO HOURS OF RELIEF FROM THE TERRIBLE FEAR, LONLINESS, AND FEELINGS OF REGRET

Spider Man 3 is just what I needed to shake off the winter blues--and the crippling sense of my own mortality, in a world that I just don't understand anymore.

The film has a great cast. The film stars Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, and Topher Grace. They're such a handsome cast that it's sure to make the average American feel just that more insignificant.

It seems no expense was spared to make this family friendly piece of escapist fluff come to life. The character development, the imagery, the brilliant acting all served to make this a movie that frees you from the confines of the office, the constant nagging at home, and the fact that your son is an admitted homosexual.

The story line is fairly typical. There is a good guy, some villians, and a girl. They interact. I live vicariously through the hero and am left crushed and despondant by the end of the movie. I go home and find cat shit in the litter box..

If this movie has one flaw it's the ending. It happened so soon. I wonder what happens when the movie ends? Will it dream? Will it's queer son even show up at it's funeral?

This is my last review. Not that anybody even reads this.

Editorial: "On Hustlin'"

By The Real Skeet Skeet Skeet

As a common street ruffian, I'm always getting asked how I do what I do. This here is the real deal, the "shiz" if you will. This is how I made my fortune out 'in the ghetto'. You can use this advice anywhere from Prospect to Portland.. "G."

First off, a good Hustla is always calm and observant. Never swayed away from his real motive and objective in Life. "Gettin Money." if it ain't bout money then it ain't bout nothin.

Hoe's will try to get in your way and confuse you only cuz you got money or they feel like you bout to come up on some dolla's. Control them and keep em on a short leash linked to a tree that you can't see or hear. Bitches is just like niggas too. Try to stop your grind...Only difference between the two is you can kidnap a nigga and make him disappear. It's dog eat dog in the hood.
Hustle til you can't no more. Get that 'scrilla' any way possible and hustle anybody you feel is a target. It's nothin personal; Just business. Whether you sellin clothes, toys, heaters (illegal firearms), or if you just straight gangsta to the core and you sellin that big shit. That white. Big money, now I don't encourage this but if your family dirt broke and you wanna eat fast, then thats a route you may wanna take. But remeber, slow paper is better than no paper, and fast paper could be a dead end clash.

They really love that coke out in Belfast.

Word up. Peace on the streetz bitches.

Fat Fuck Dead Before Rapture

LYNCHBURG, Va.-Rev. Jerry Falwell was found dead today, hunched over his desk at Liberty College.

Ron Godwin, the university's executive vice president, said Falwell was found unresponsive late Tuesday morning and taken to Lynchburg Whale Hospital, where he was pronounced comically fat and dead about an hour later.

"I had breakfast with him, and he was fat as all fuck at breakfast," Godwin said. "He went to his office, I went to McDonalds because he ate all my fucking food, and they found him dead, bloated, and ready to be craned into heaven."

Jesus was unavailable for comment.