Prescription Drug Epidemic Makes Health Care Affordable

Waldo County-With more and more prescription drug abuse in Waldo County than ever before, the competition between rival dealers has lowered prices of oxycontin, vicodin, and methadone to record low prices.

"It used to be six bucks a pop for vikes, but now thanks to all these generics flooding the black market prices are down to three! I haven't felt a thing for two months," purports local drug enthusiast Mike Flanery.

But how low can prices go before prescription drug runners have to move on to more lucrative buisness ventures?

"It's killing me," says small time dealer Carson Linkwood, "I was making a good honest wage selling percocet behind the elementary school until all these cheap pills flooded the market."

"Now every fifth grader with a scraped elbow is up his eyes in uppers, downers, and sidewaysers. I'm going to have to get out of the buisness."

But the pain-killer market isn't the only one that's taken a blow. Revenue is down across the board, ADHD medicine hit a record 75 cents per 25mg.

"It's great.. Great. Wow it's hot in here," says ADHD sufferer Jason Frankson, "I barely have to snatch one purse to get relief of my symptoms."

Doctors are taking the brunt of the damage. Psychologist visits by loser druggie teenagers has dropped 32% since April alone, and it's predicted to be down by 50% by June.

"Strung out teenagers were the ideal patient before the bubble broke," Says noted Waldo County Psychologist Keith Hutchinsky, "Now I'll never be able to afford that yacht!"

More on this developing story to come..

MOVIE REVIEW: Spider Man 3--A Spring Action Flick Sure To Help Block Out The Emptiness of Modern Existence

SPIDER MAN 3-TWO HOURS OF RELIEF FROM THE TERRIBLE FEAR, LONLINESS, AND FEELINGS OF REGRET

Spider Man 3 is just what I needed to shake off the winter blues--and the crippling sense of my own mortality, in a world that I just don't understand anymore.

The film has a great cast. The film stars Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, and Topher Grace. They're such a handsome cast that it's sure to make the average American feel just that more insignificant.

It seems no expense was spared to make this family friendly piece of escapist fluff come to life. The character development, the imagery, the brilliant acting all served to make this a movie that frees you from the confines of the office, the constant nagging at home, and the fact that your son is an admitted homosexual.

The story line is fairly typical. There is a good guy, some villians, and a girl. They interact. I live vicariously through the hero and am left crushed and despondant by the end of the movie. I go home and find cat shit in the litter box..

If this movie has one flaw it's the ending. It happened so soon. I wonder what happens when the movie ends? Will it dream? Will it's queer son even show up at it's funeral?

This is my last review. Not that anybody even reads this.

Editorial: "On Hustlin'"

By The Real Skeet Skeet Skeet

As a common street ruffian, I'm always getting asked how I do what I do. This here is the real deal, the "shiz" if you will. This is how I made my fortune out 'in the ghetto'. You can use this advice anywhere from Prospect to Portland.. "G."

First off, a good Hustla is always calm and observant. Never swayed away from his real motive and objective in Life. "Gettin Money." if it ain't bout money then it ain't bout nothin.

Hoe's will try to get in your way and confuse you only cuz you got money or they feel like you bout to come up on some dolla's. Control them and keep em on a short leash linked to a tree that you can't see or hear. Bitches is just like niggas too. Try to stop your grind...Only difference between the two is you can kidnap a nigga and make him disappear. It's dog eat dog in the hood.
Hustle til you can't no more. Get that 'scrilla' any way possible and hustle anybody you feel is a target. It's nothin personal; Just business. Whether you sellin clothes, toys, heaters (illegal firearms), or if you just straight gangsta to the core and you sellin that big shit. That white. Big money, now I don't encourage this but if your family dirt broke and you wanna eat fast, then thats a route you may wanna take. But remeber, slow paper is better than no paper, and fast paper could be a dead end clash.

They really love that coke out in Belfast.

Word up. Peace on the streetz bitches.

Fat Fuck Dead Before Rapture

LYNCHBURG, Va.-Rev. Jerry Falwell was found dead today, hunched over his desk at Liberty College.

Ron Godwin, the university's executive vice president, said Falwell was found unresponsive late Tuesday morning and taken to Lynchburg Whale Hospital, where he was pronounced comically fat and dead about an hour later.

"I had breakfast with him, and he was fat as all fuck at breakfast," Godwin said. "He went to his office, I went to McDonalds because he ate all my fucking food, and they found him dead, bloated, and ready to be craned into heaven."

Jesus was unavailable for comment.

Old Man Discovers Joys of Internet Pornography

"Dick" W. Anker

Frankfort--Tired of masturbating to old clippings from his collection of Sears catalogs ancient neophyte Charles W. Anker was pleasantly surprised to find his fourteen year old grandson mastubating to high resolution pornography on his Dell personal computer.

"I just wandered into little Bobby's room to ask him if he'd seen my thyroid medicine when I seen him cranking away to some pretty little thing from China. Bobby has got a good arm lemme tell you," he said taking a long thoughtful drag from his corn-cob pipe.

Charles was born in Frankfort in 1927, long before people could watch streaming and highly graphic adult entertainment on their computers.

"I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks," he said laughing to himself.

He's downloaded over 4500 pictures of Barbara Bush doing ass to mouth with Ronald Reagan since Monday.

Bobby couldn't be reached for comment due to a serious wrist injury.

Marine Museum To Open "More Old Boats and Shit" exhibit in June

Searsport—Penobscot Marine Museum will be unveiling it’s long awaited new exhibit "More Old Boats and Shit" in late June.

As the tourist season opens in the cultural powerhouse that is Searsport so to will the much anticipated "More Old Boats and Shit" exhibit, a tour de force of even more 19th century water craft and other shit about the ocean or whatever.

Museum director Cindy Flanders is quoted as saying, "I’m very excited about this new exhibit. All those old boats and shit about sea captains really brings the past alive for the children who are forced to come here with their grandparents."

"Some of the boats are really old or whatever." She added.

One of the more prominent pieces--some old ship that sailed around about a bajillion years ago—cost the museum over thirteen thousand dollars to restore.

The ship, which looks surprisingly like all the other ships at the museum, is a masterpiece of 18th century design. Woop-de-fucking-doo.

One Last Name in Maine by 2025 Predict Sociologists

Maine-With only a few last names left after a series of high level family mergers, sociologists have predicted that only one last-name will survive in Maine by 2025.

"According to recent analysis by 2014, only three last names will be left; Cook, Bishop, and Harvey." says Assistant Head Director of the Maine Sociological and ATV Association, Scott Bishop Cook Harvey Jr.

"We're looking at highly turbulent times in a state that's already experiencing a serious surname-recession."

But what impact will this have on a state that's already known for it's significant lack of diversity?

According to University of Maine Chief Head of Surnamology, Sean Michael Harvey Bishop Cook Bishop Harvey, Maine will be forced to either legalize incest or outlaw marriage.

"Maine has a proud heritage of nepotism and a strong tradition of driving away people from the North, South, East, and West. It's either date your cousin and like it--or give up fucking all together."

He continued, "In a few thousand years maybe Mainers will be so closely bred the we'll evolve into our own subspecies.. Much like the English did."

What an exciting time to be a Harvey, Cook, or Bishop respectively.

SDHS to Announce New 'Labyrinth Graduation Requirements'

Searsport--School board officials resolutely pushed forward a new 'higher-standard' set of requirements for graduation. High School Seniors will now be required to navigate their way through an enormous fantasy maze before receiving their diploma.

"In order to better prepare students for life in this century, we have come to the unanimous decision that they should be forced to reach the end of a giant and seemingly pointless maze," said Brian Peterman Lead Chairman of the Searsport School Board.

Among the new requirements, students will be asked to apply real world skills such as solving puzzles given to them by a small dwarf-like creature known as Hoggle, or 'Mr. H' as students have taken to calling him.

Shelly Dirkwood, a senior at SDHS had this to say, "I like it. The whole labyrinth thing really fits in with the rest of the cheesy 80s fantasy movie theme our school policy makers are doing. Plus, it turns out Mr. H has a heart of gold!"

Other students aren't as emphatic about the changes, "Personally I'd have gone for a 'Lord of the Rings' graduation requirement system. It’s just hard to take a muppet seriously."

Any way you slice it David Bowie looks gay as a goblin.