COFFEE STORE

Searsport--People all over the world love waking up to a steaming hot cup of hot coffee. People in Searsport wake up to a steaming cup of hot shit. 'COFFEE STORE' long known for it's shoddy business methods and ugly owners, recently and randomly fired one of it's hardest working, and most attractive employees.

JOHN T. SMITH, the lardass, pedophile, homosexual, stinky, immature, gay, dishonest, and not well endowed owner of 'COFFEE STORE' wasn't available for interview as he was too busy seeing how many anal beads would fit in his cavernous ass.

Regular patron JOHN B. SMITH had this to say, "I think THE OWNER booted up a little bit too much crank into his scrotum that morning. THE OWNER called the fellow about an hour before he left to visit his dying grandmother in the hospital. I guess between the stream of obscenities he unleashed on the poor guy he fired him too."

The employee who has asked not to be identified for privacy reasons, said he has still not received his pay check for the entire month of August.

"It makes me sad. I worked hard for THE OWNER. I guess the downward spiral of S&M, anal-play, meth, heroin, coke, pills, and underage Indochinese hookers just cost him too much to keep paying me my meager salary of 43 cents and one half bite of those shitty egg sandwiches an hour."

Allegations that THE OWNER uses cute baby kittens to keep his furnace running are still underway. Also due to health reasons it is advised that people who are sensitive to typhus, HIV, the haunta virus, chlorine gas, and Mad Cow disease do not eat any food prepared by THE OWNER.